May 15 2013

Blogging on as Alice in Wonderland

Blessed beyond measure, I have the opportunity to serve at my church as the Director of Women’s Ministry. Check out our Blog at CCVInspireWomen.com

Being Alice

Click and Read about this adventure

Recently I had the chance to be Alice in Wonderland for a few hours. I rose at dawn, slipped into the robin-blue dress and tied on the crisp white apron. I pulled on a pair of white tights, buckled my black patent leather shoes–poof–I was “Alice”.

I spun around and curtsied at myself in the mirror. I was on my way to “The UnTea”, our church’s version of a Mad Hatter’s Tea party, I made a quick stop at Starbucks. Energized from costume, I was delighted when the cashier playfully wrote “Alice” on my cup. I paid for my drink and asked for a banana. I was the hostess this morning, along with my partner in Ministry…the Queen of Hearts. There was no telling when we would get to enjoy the Queen’s Breakfast Buffet to which our guests would be treated. It was definitely a good idea to eat a banana.

For the rest of this ordinary adventure click ON THIS LINK

Jan 31 2013

My lovely Rubbermaid container

rubbermaid“…whatever is lovely…dwell on these things.”  Philippians 4:8

I have my camera and I’m on a mission to photograph something that I consider truly lovely. My plan is to climb up into my attic and photograph a large Rubbermaid container that holds the treasures of my daughter, my Molly-girl. Since she has gone on to Heaven, she has no need for the treasures, but I do. I don’t look inside the container often, in fact, I’m not quite certain when the last time was.

With camera in hand, I’m pretty confident that I will be able to accomplish the photo shoot without causing myself any emotional turmoil. The contents of the Rubbermaid container are familiar to me so I cannot imagine that I will encounter any surprises.

Once in the attic, I locate the container quite easily, I maneuver a cardboard box to use as a seat and then I grab hold of my lovely Rubbermaid container and flip open the lid.

WHACK!

baby's things

 

Waves of emotions surge upon me, and I think I  hear myself whisper, “Oh my gosh…”

It’s not that one particular thing catches my eye–it’s that everything captures my heart. These are not unfamiliar objects, but the seeing them–all at once and after so long–still hurts. I hold my breath and stare into the container until I calm down. The first thing I reach for is  her tiny red tennis shoes, the same shoes that once protected her wonderful feet. From her pink hand smocked dress to a miniature Winnie the Pooh, every keepsake is perfect. I reach in pull out her “Blankie” and lift it up to my face. I rub the soft edge against my cheek. How badly I wish it still held her smell.

child grieving As I dig through the container, I find myself knee deep in the treasures when I come across some art work that was done by my other children through the years. As they navigated their way through their own understanding of death, their art projects often expressed the thoughts that they couldn’t always communicate with their words.  I unfold a picture painted by  my then six-year-old daughter, Emily, and I cannot help but gasp. It has a pink heart that says, “I love Molly”  and what appears to be roses on a grave. But what stabs at my heart is what she has written in the top corner. The word, “No” is written twice. And then, each word has been crossed out with an ‘X’. How many times did I feel the same “No”? How many times did I long to say, “No. This is not what I choose.”

This is surely not the first time I ever saw her painting, but I have no memory of it and everything inside of me responds as if it is brand new.  To imagine my Kindergartner daughter fighting her way through the loss of her sister brings on a surge of tears. I hate that she felt this way and I wonder how blinded I may have been to her grief as I dealt with my own. Pain shoots through me and I realize that this container may very well beat me down emotionally before I am able to get out of this attic. Why did I think that this dusty old container would be a good blog post for “Whatever is lovely”? Sitting on my box in the dark attic, and lost almost completely in my thoughts, I’m startled by my phone when it alerts me to an incoming text message.

 Emily:          Hey Mom, What are you up to?

Me:                  In the attic. Call you later?

Emily:         I want you to go on a hike with me  : )

Really? A hike? Right now? Ahhh…Life moves forward and whatever is lovely comes back into focus. It’s not the pain, it’s overcoming the pain. It’s not the loss, it’s surviving the loss. I don’t go into the dusty old container to remember what I lost. I go into to my lovely Rubbermaid container to remember what I once had. Remembering her, and then closing the container and going for a hike, is a testimony to His power to heal. And His power to heal, even the most painful wounds, is lovely indeed.

Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  

Philippians 4:8

 

Whatever is True…Imagination and True Love’s Kiss

Whatever is Honorable…O Captain, my Captain…where was your honor?

Whatever is Right…When a Superhero can’t save the day

Whatever is Pure…Sex on the Keyboard

Whatever is of Good Repute…Don’t Want to Drop the Ball

follow the butterfly to the start of the series :)

Jan 26 2013

Quitters Anonymous

Quitters AnonymousI’m so overwhelmed  I don’t feel like I can finish what I’ve started. It doesn’t matter how far I have come, and the strides that I have made–it’s too much to complete the task. The finish line is too far away. The weights are too heavy. I’m gonna quit.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. It isn’t even close to being the first time. Actually, there was a time in my life when I couldn’t complete anything. I changed jobs when there was conflict, I dropped college classes when I fell behind, and I changed boyfriends when the relationship became too intense. I didn’t even follow through on an unplanned pregnancy.

I was, by definition, a quitter. 

When my husband proposed marriage to me, I was so congruent of my nature towards quitting, that I was overwhelmed with the idea of making a commitment that I wouldn’t be able to dissolve without some heartache. I didn’t trust my ability to follow through.

So, I did what every American woman does. I took a class. I didn’t go down to the local church and sit in on the class for  ”Quitters Anonymous”. I don’t know that one actually exists. What I did instead was take an English class at the local Community College. My only goal was to NOT drop the class. I needed to finish something.

I needed to prove to myself that I was no longer a quitter. 

A little over a year ago, I decided I wanted to write a book. I sat down and began to type. There were days that I felt astonished at the words that would pour out of me and onto the page. I was in awe of the characters and the choices they were making. Then, there were other days when I didn’t think I could type one more paragraph.

I remember thinking a couple times. “Okay, Jackie, you don’t have to finish the book, and you don’t have to keep what you write today. But, you just have to sit here and finish this chapter.”

One word. One paragraph, One page. One chapter. And…eventually. I had arrived. After several months…I had finished the rough draft to a ninety-thousand word manuscript.

Today, I’m so overwhelmed  I don’t feel like I can finish what I’ve started. It doesn’t matter how far I have come, and the strides that I have made–it’s too much to complete the task. The finish line is too far away. The weights are too heavy.

But, I dunno…I don’t think I’ll quit.

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 3:14

Oct 08 2012

My Life as a Judgmental Food Server

My Life as a Judgmental Food ServerI’m not going to lie; there was time when I made judgments about the people I was serving. At the time, I worked at a well known steakhouse as a Food Server. While I did my job to the best of my ability—it didn’t stop me from being critical of the people who frequented the restaurant.

The judgments I passed on the customers had to do specifically with the abundance of soda with which I would watch them partake. This was during the years when “free refills” were becoming the new norm.

When I was a child, IF my parents allowed my brothers and I to enjoy a soda with our meal, (and, yes, the “if” is in CAPS) we had to sip it very slowly to make it last the entire meal. We were allowed one soda, because an additional soda would have to be repurchased.

Working in the steakhouse, I watched parents who allowed their children to drink soda quickly and then get three or four refills during their dining experience. All because it was “free”. It bothered me, and I spoke about it to other Food Servers saying, “Just because the soda is free doesn’t mean you need to drink a liter.”  There were times I wanted to tell the parent at the table, “No, I’m sorry your child may not have another soda. He’s needs to drink some water.”

I’m so thankful that God doesn’t look at me through that lens when it comes to His sovereign Grace.

There are days—heck, there are meals—where I am in need of God’s Grace moment after moment. I cannot seem to get enough. I am so thankful that He doesn’t look at me and say, “No, I’m sorry, my child…you may not have any more Grace. You need to read some scripture.”

His Grace is truly abundant and it doesn’t run out. There are free refills because of the sacrifice made by his son, Jesus Christ. His blood covers our sins—every moment of every day. God wants to stretch us, and He longs for us to be growing and engaging with others along that Spiritual journey, and He will continue to pour out Grace and fill our cups along the way.

“And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.” Romans 11:6

Sep 17 2012

My Vanishing Rocks

My Vanishing RocksLast January, I noticed that there were a couple of rocks missing from my garden. Now, mind you, this is not a rock garden, but a flower garden—but the rocks added their own bit of character. When the rocks began to disappear, I suspected that perhaps my neighbors were stealing the mini-boulders. (I’m fairly certain they murdered my cat and hid her body, so…what’s to stop them from taking a few useless rocks?)

Through the spring and summer months, I watched as more and more rocks disappeared. Soon it seemed as if every rock was gone. I went to my family and told them what was happening in my garden. At first they were as shocked as I, but after a short time, they proclaimed my rock-free garden as the work of God. I was frustrated and bewildered. I couldn’t understand how the loss of so many rocks in my life could be considered the work of God.

I stared at the soil for days—wondering if the barren land was the work of God. I wanted to believe it was His handiwork. I wanted to believe that He had allowed things to happen in a way that was for my protection. But, I struggled and questioned it all daily—was the barren soil the result of sin? Had someone really stolen my rocks?

Then one day, it occurred to me—it didn’t matter. It was irrelevant as to why the rocks had been removed. The barren landscape was necessary for the soil to become fertile. Whether the rocks were stolen or whether they were removed by the hand of God was no longer the point. Nothing new was ever going to grow as long as the garden was full of rocks.

I grabbed my trowel and began to work the soil. Carefully, I opened a packet of seeds and placed them in the rich, dark soil. I prayed for God to fill my garden with trustworthy flowers. The absence of rocks would soon be forgotten, and God would be glorified as He restored my laughter and revived in me a spirit of joy. He alone is the One who redeems all things.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:19

Aug 08 2012

Thanksgiving in August

Thanksgiving in AugustLast November the Local Outreach Department of my church asked my family to be the hosts for a Thanksgiving Day Outreach to our local Sheriffs Department. The Outreach Pastor wanted a few families to take a turkey dinner, with all the fixings, and share a meal with the men and women who work the holiday. Because of the shift the Deputies work, they often miss out on the chilly November day overeating tradition that many of us enjoy.

My husband and I accepted, and we appealed for help from the people in our weekly in home Bible study group.  Several families gave up a portion of their day to serve those who serve and protect us. We did our best to make connections with the men and the women who were working, and to let them know how grateful we were for the sacrifices they make to insure our safety. It only took a few hours, and later we were still able to have a more traditional family meal with one of the families who had served alongside us.

And not surprisingly, that is not the end of the story. We serve a God who weaves a never ending tapestry and His handiwork is much more intricate than what we see in one day. 

Starbucks seems to be the new place where we “run into” people when God wants to set up a divine appointment. At least it is for my husband, and sure enough, it was at our local Starbucks that he began to run into the same Deputy, time and again. On a couple occasions, it fit into their schedule to sit and have a coffee. A relationship was formed.

Two days ago my husband received a phone call from that Deputy. It seems that this Deputy had met a young woman who has made some really bad decisions and is now in a world of hurt. Based on the things my husband had shared with the deputy about our lives, it occurred to the Deputy that perhaps it would benefit the young woman if she could sit down and talk with me.

So, yesterday I had the privilege of meeting with a twenty-seven year old woman at a crossroads in her life. She was open and unassuming, and she took responsibility for the selfish way she has been living. It was an honor to share the truth of God’s love for her. She has to make some big changes in her life in her attempt to regain guardianship of her two-year old daughter, and there is no doubt that the first change is going to have to be who she makes the Lord of her life. She has hit rock bottom, and the good news is that because of the intervention of the Sheriff’s Department she can turn things around.

As for me, I am just pleased that I happen to belong to a church where I can serve in a way that isn’t merely a product of my vision. I see ways I want to serve the Lord, which is good. But I’m blessed by the Pastors in my church who have a vision for things I don’t see. The Local Outreach Department had a vision for a way our church could serve the Sheriff’s Department. Our family made ourselves available to that vision–even though it didn’t originate with us–and God has richly blessed us through that Thanksgiving Meal.

Yes, it’s August. Yes, it feels like it is four-hundred degrees outside. But, today, I am as thankful as if it were a chilly day in November.

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”  ~ Philippians 4:9

Jul 26 2012

To Blog or Not to Blog…Here is the Answer

To Blog or Not to BlogIn a restless state, I woke this morning before my alarm and stared out my window at the overcast sky. The decision I needed to make was weighing on my mind. Silently, I began to pray to God, “Do I keep my blog up & running? Is blogging really worth the effort and the expense? Do You even care about this silly, little hobby of mine?”

Tomorrow, on July 27th, the contract with my current blog hosting site expires. If I am going to continue Adventures in the Ordinary I have to renew my contract by midnight tonight. It seems like a simple decision, but being true to my nature, I’ve been over-thinking the entire blogging venture. When I started blogging, I began to express thoughts which had lived inside me for years. Almost immediately, it became evident God was using the blog for His glory. I gained a following and began to receive private emails from strangers and people I barely knew. Readers eagerly told me how grateful they were for my honesty, and the word “transparent” became a buzz-word in my life. I have made incredible friendships through this form of written word and each friendship has enhanced my life greatly.

So, why would I stop?

Quite frankly–things have changed substantially since I first began blogging. In the last couple months I learned that sometimes people will take things I say, or write, and purposely misinterpret them. There are people who desire to misunderstand me, and the more I make myself available to their scrutiny–the easier target I am. Blogging has changed because I learned that my words aren’t falling only on safe ears. In short, I have willing and dangerous critics.

The alarm on my phone began to ring, and I stopped praying and lifted myself from my bed. I looked down at my phone and noticed a trusted friend had emailed me while I was sleeping. I read her email, and smiled at the way God has been using her in my life. At the end of her message she attached a link telling me to read something and to cling to its truth. She wrote: “these words were life building to my broken heart even though they weren’t written directly to me. I had printed it out and re-read it periodically as a reminder and Isaiah 61:10 still hangs on my mirror.” The link she attached led to my own blog.

Because I am amazed by these types of “coincidences”, I leaned over, woke my husband, and shared the story with him. I told him of the thoughts I had been weighing and of the incoming email. For my husband, this was an indication that the blogging should continue. He was certain. Me…not so much. A lot of pain has been dumped on me over the last month. Is it worth it?

About an hour later, my husband was about to walk out the door when he came to me and said, “Hey…I just want to give you this. I found it taped over your desk. For some reason it caught my attention. Look at the date. It was written one year ago–today.”

He handed me a yellow, hand-written letter of encouragement from a friend. In the note, my friend shared with me the way the Lord has used my blogs to inspire her. She wrote and told me to always remember my blogging is for the Lord. The note has been taped over my desk for a year. I put it there so I would not forget that which I seem to have forgotten.

God has not given us random gifts to be used indiscriminately or squandered. He is intentional with the talents He gives to His children. He has far-reaching purposes and plans and when we use our gifts we become a part of the plan. Even when it is painful.

To blog or not to blog. Here is the answer.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3

Jul 04 2012

Early Desires, and the Color Red

Early Desires, and the Color RedIn a recent interview I was asked to share my earliest memory. I recounted the story of when I was hospitalized at age four with pneumonia. I was sitting in a bed behind the walls of a clear plastic tent, and I was holding a doll I had received from a visitor. Through the plastic I could see the image of my Father quite clearly. He was sitting in a wheelchair and he was wearing a thick, red, terry-cloth robe. He was also a patient in the hospital. He had been working construction and had survived a remarkable fall. He fell from the fourth story window, and hit some scaffolding which knocked him back into the third story window.

I don’t remember every emotion I felt when I looked through the plastic at my Daddy, but I do remember when the nurses came and wheeled him out of my room, it made me sad.

When the same question was posed to my husband, I found his answer to have some strange similarities. Here is his memory:

“I remember there was a time when my Dad worked far from home. He would be gone for days, and I would get so excited when he would return. At the time he drove a very loud red truck. When my Dad was driving up our street, I remember hearing the truck and running outside yelling, ‘Daddy’s fruck!’ ” –David Sill

It’s interesting that both of our earliest memories revolve around our fathers, and the desire to be in their presence. In illness or in everyday life—we latched onto the notion that this man was important. He brought a sense of security and fascination.

And, why the color red? I am certain there were other colors in the hospital room and in the home where my husband was a child—but the color red is the only color we each remember. It is such a powerful color. We associate the color red with love and passion.

On a Spiritual level the desire for the Father never fades. The greatest security I’ve been able to find comes from being in the presence of my Heavenly Father. It doesn’t matter how people disappoint—and they certainly disappoint—the sure foundation of His love is unshakable. His love is like nothing I have ever experienced. And the red blood of His son enables me to return to His presence time and again despite the disappointment I may cause.

The presence of the Father—it’s a good memory to recreate day after day.

“But let all who take refuge in You be glad, Let them ever sing for joy; And may You shelter them, That those who love Your name may exult in You.” ~Psalm 5:11


Jun 24 2012

Jesus Loves Strippers. True Story.

Jesus loves Strippers XXX Church is a ministry that is highly effective in reaching women who have been pulled deep into the world of pornography, and it also is a place of recovery and accountability for people whose lives have been affected by addiction to pornography.  Recently I authored a blog post entitled My Daughter is Going to a Porn Convention. The purpose of the article was twofold, in that I wanted to enlighten readers to XXX Church, while at the same time I hoped that my little article could help my daughter reach her fundraising goals for her upcoming State-side Mission Trip with the organization.

Well, I am excited to share with you that my daughter has raised the money she needs to get to the convention. But, I still have much to share about the blessing that this ministry is to the Kingdom of God.

The following paragraph is an excerpt from the Facebook status-update of the leader of the team, Rachel Collins. This update was posted after the team had traveled to a nearby Strip club for some Pre-Mission Trip Training. They went to meet women who were working as Strippers in the club, and to show these women the love of Jesus. Many porn stars find themselves working as Strippers, either on the way into the X-rated film industry–or on the way out. As you can imagine, insecurities run high in a room full of women who live their lives so differently. Read Rachel’s account of how it all went down:

We passed out a ton of bibles, we handed out cupcakes and tank tops that said ‘Jesus loves Strippers’, and most importantly we walked into some dark and strange places and were able to look young women in the eyes and tell them that God loves them.

In two different clubs we were met with two different women who kept asking earnestly over and over again, ‘How can God still love me?’ They felt that they were out of the reach of God’s grace, that they had done too much, and we not only told them of God’s love in our own lives, but we stood in front of them and said that God always welcomes us home, and that we can never get too far from his love and grace.

We gave them hugs and before we left, and we placed a bible in their hands. These women could not believe that we came from a church, they could not believe that we would come for them at all. All I can think about is the desire to go and find that lost sheep. These women would never step into a church building–those were their words exactly–but we brought some church to them. More than church, we broke bread/cupcakes in a crowded strip club locker room, we opened the word and we shared hugs and the common bond that God gave to each one of us.       –Rachel Collins

XXX ChurchSeriously, what these women shared IS the message of the Gospel. Some of the girls who are traveling this summer still have fundraising needs. If you can help–don’t hesitate. (email rachelc@ccvsocal.com)

It’s worth more than you can imagine. God loves Porn Stars. God loves Strippers. God just loves.

“What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?” Luke 15:4

Jun 07 2012

Dancing with Death

Dancing with Death“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to be born and a time to die…   …a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.”  Ecclesiastes 3:1,2a, 4

Lately, conversations about death abound. Sometimes the conversations are woeful, while other times they are lighthearted. One theme that keeps resurfacing is the courage of the person facing death, facing the unknown.

As my mind spins around the sickness and the death which was (and still is) a reality for friends, I wonder… “Would I be brave enough to worship and dance in the face of the greatest and most mysterious adventure known to mankind?” “Would the time to weep be overshadowed by the desire to laugh?”

There is no way to know for certain. I can hope. I can pray. But, none of us can know how we will face death until it knocks on our door.

But, perhaps there is an indicator to how we will respond to our physical death in our daily choices. Perhaps there is a way to check our heart and prepare for that monumental moment. God calls us to die to ourselves daily.

Daily, we are asked to die to our own desires, and live as Christ.

Daily, we are asked to place someone else’s needs (or wants) above our own.

Each time we deny what we want, in respect of serving another person, we are dying to ourselves. These things are most often done without glory. Unnoticed moments of humility.

In a small way, we are rehearsing for the big moment when we will have the attention of others, so that we may travel through the season of weeping and mourning with laughter and dancing. Even humbling myself, with a spirit of laughter and joy, in the face of another’s selfish desires, is preparing me for the bigger moment when I may have to humble myself to the failings of my own body.

Today my death dance may go unnoticed. But, it is still shaping me and it is never overlooked by the One who determines my future.

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